From The Inner Space

It’s 8am. You have to get up. Your timetable doesn’t care if you only got to bed at 3am last night. And then spent an hour on your laptop staring at the Facebook feed as it gets updated with posts about nothing in particular. You have to do research for this essay and then you will have to do this essay. You have to go to work. You have to help that friend you said you would. And you have to turn up to that meeting you, you were asked to come. Isn’t it rude to turn down a social drink? You must. You should. And so, you do.

Loss, of keys, of faith, of a much loved one is never easy. Loss of any kind usually triggers an intense emotional reaction with in you. So intense, that in fact I would put it as the second most intense feeling after love, of course. I’ve done a lot of losing over the last 3 weeks. Losing of every kind. And people have come at me with all sorts of “solutions”, comforting and analysis. All out of the goodness of their hearts, I wouldn’t for a second doubt that. They all think you things are like this and the best thing for you to do right now is this… 

With all the musts and shoulds… with all the intense loss… with all the advice and suggested course of actions… I felt like I lost track. Lost track of what I truly think. Yes… What do I think? What do I feel?

15 hours. A mix of sleep and staring at the ceiling. 14 snoozed alarm clocks. That’s what it took to stop life spinning in a vicious vortex, that’s what it took to figure it all out. Perhaps not everything. But it was enough to acknowledge what is lost and to evaluate what is left. Rocky, my beloved dog, losing him has been the hardest thing that’s ever happened to me. But, bless him, with his loyalty and understanding when alive he would put things right, he helped me out last night even if he is no longer with us. Such a literal loss of someone I loved so much, has put all the figurative losing into perspective. Loss, like I said, is intense. But why settle, take it a notch up, take loss with love. 

Some things, like Rocky, you inevitably lose. Other things, like keys, you lose unintentionally. Others, you need to take the decision to. Nobody can tell you that, when to do it and how. Only you can, even if it takes 15 hours of self-imposed solitude.